You are My Oldest and My Youngest

To my sweet baby Judah,
You have completed me.
In you, you are my oldest and my youngest.
Between science and God and miracles and freezers,
You my love are both to me, my first and my last.

I wasn't even 30 when we did our first IVF.
It resulted in 6 embryos.
We transferred 2 and miscarried.
We transferred 2 more and nothing stuck.
You were in the last remaining 2,
but you remained on ice for 3.5 years
while we tried a new cycle,
hoping for successful results.

While you were frozen in time,
I carried your brother and sister
I named them Jude and Brinly.
But they died due to a tradegy.

When my faith in God's goodness had nearly dried up,
and when I began to doubt Hope would ever win,
we rose from the ashes and did it all again,
but for the safety of all involved,
we placed your twin brothers in anothers womans body.
It was out of pure love on both ends:
I gave up the right and desire to bare my own child,
While she gave up her body to give me the desire.
It worked due to a miracle.
All while you were waiting for us, frozen.

The seasons changed and our hearts healed.
We finally held our living children.
But my heart wasn't done.
I needed you.
I knew you were there still.
I wanted to experience carrying a baby to life, although risky, I took that risk on you.
And you worked due to a miracle.

When I look at you, I see God.
All along, through all the storms,
when I thought He had forsaken us,
you were still there.
You were there when I screamed out to Him
"Why US? What Did We Ever do?"
When I begged
"Let me experience motherhood"
You were there when I cried,
when I shook with fear it would never happen,
when I had to turn my head towards the joy of other pregnancies,
and Hide my ache.

Your brothers healed me,
But you, my love,
You healed my body.
Because of you I got to feel strong baby kicks.
I got to experience contractions
I got to experience leaving a hospital with a baby that I had pushed out.
Redemption.

And all along you were there in that freezer,
You existed and you were formed.
God had a plan all along
that although you were my first embryo ever created
that was made to work,
you were my last.

You are my oldest and my youngest.
Everything in between you became beautiful with time,
and you are the circle that completed it.
The beginning and the end.