To the Woman Who Said "Oh G*D" To Me When I Said I Had 3 Boys

April 31, 2017

Today we went out with Darren's family to celebrate his 35th birthday.  With 2 year old twin boys and baby Judah, we get a lot of attention wherever we go with our bandwagon of baby wipes and toys and snacks.

On our way to the car we passed a table with a lot of people.  "Big family," a guy commented to me as Judah was chewing my finger and I was trying to push the stroller.

I smiled, "Yep, 3 boys!"

A woman, face full of the disgust I would expect from seeing smeared poop on the walls (#thathappendFridaymorning) scrunched up her face and said, "Three boys? Oh G*d."  It wasn't like Oh God-what a great creator we have, it was the bad kind, the in vane kind.

As a woman, we have the blessing and a curse of being able to think about 184712875104104819041 million things at once.  In 1 second it all flashed through my head.

11 failed IUIS
2 egg retrievals
5 IVFs
202 2inch needle progesterone shots in my butt
an early miscarriage
a d&c
a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat
my water randomly breaking
the loss of my daughter at 18 weeks
a stich to hold my cervix closed
the loss of my son at 24 weeks
another woman having to carry my biological children because my body failed us
another stich to hold my son closed
living an entire pregnancy in fear that it would all happen again
getting the stich removed without pain meds
my body carrying my 4th son to full term and labor

I smile at her.  "It's fun."

Because of my God and my husband, I am learning to be full of grace.  This lady doesn't know any of what it took for me to be a mom.  She just reacted.  The sample lady at Costco that says "Your not giving up yet mom right?" referring to the most obnoxious phrase ever "are you going to try for a girl?" while I know we have 1 more precious son on ice (aka 1 more male frozen embryo).  Then there is that checker at Walmart that asks if the baby in the Ergo is a girl.  She realizes he is my 3rd son (not counting little Jude), and barks out, "my condolences to you mom."  I ignore her, acting like I don't hear.  She repeats it, a bit louder.

I don't need your condolences. 

This little family of mine?  It was always supposed to be this way.  God always had it planned out that Darren and I would have the life of raising 3 boys to grow up in this crazy world that needs strong men.  Men that serve.  Men that respect.  Men that lead with boldness and fairness and confidence.  Men that are kind to their wives and gentle and loving towards their children.  While our hearts will always ache for the daughter we had, we embrace our calling.  The literal blood.  The literal sweat.  The literal millions of tears that were shed in bringing in each of these little living souls into this world. 

So, to you, Woman who said "oh G*d" to me when I said I had three boys, it's not really that bad. 

You are My Oldest and My Youngest

To my sweet baby Judah,
You have completed me.
In you, you are my oldest and my youngest.
Between science and God and miracles and freezers,
You my love are both to me, my first and my last.

I wasn't even 30 when we did our first IVF.
It resulted in 6 embryos.
We transferred 2 and miscarried.
We transferred 2 more and nothing stuck.
You were in the last remaining 2,
but you remained on ice for 3.5 years
while we tried a new cycle,
hoping for successful results.

While you were frozen in time,
I carried your brother and sister
I named them Jude and Brinly.
But they died due to a tradegy.

When my faith in God's goodness had nearly dried up,
and when I began to doubt Hope would ever win,
we rose from the ashes and did it all again,
but for the safety of all involved,
we placed your twin brothers in anothers womans body.
It was out of pure love on both ends:
I gave up the right and desire to bare my own child,
While she gave up her body to give me the desire.
It worked due to a miracle.
All while you were waiting for us, frozen.

The seasons changed and our hearts healed.
We finally held our living children.
But my heart wasn't done.
I needed you.
I knew you were there still.
I wanted to experience carrying a baby to life, although risky, I took that risk on you.
And you worked due to a miracle.

When I look at you, I see God.
All along, through all the storms,
when I thought He had forsaken us,
you were still there.
You were there when I screamed out to Him
"Why US? What Did We Ever do?"
When I begged
"Let me experience motherhood"
You were there when I cried,
when I shook with fear it would never happen,
when I had to turn my head towards the joy of other pregnancies,
and Hide my ache.

Your brothers healed me,
But you, my love,
You healed my body.
Because of you I got to feel strong baby kicks.
I got to experience contractions
I got to experience leaving a hospital with a baby that I had pushed out.
Redemption.

And all along you were there in that freezer,
You existed and you were formed.
God had a plan all along
that although you were my first embryo ever created
that was made to work,
you were my last.

You are my oldest and my youngest.
Everything in between you became beautiful with time,
and you are the circle that completed it.
The beginning and the end.