April 31, 2017
Today we went out with Darren's family to celebrate his 35th birthday. With 2 year old twin boys and baby Judah, we get a lot of attention wherever we go with our bandwagon of baby wipes and toys and snacks.
On our way to the car we passed a table with a lot of people. "Big family," a guy commented to me as Judah was chewing my finger and I was trying to push the stroller.
I smiled, "Yep, 3 boys!"
A woman, face full of the disgust I would expect from seeing smeared poop on the walls (#thathappendFridaymorning) scrunched up her face and said, "Three boys? Oh G*d." It wasn't like Oh God-what a great creator we have, it was the bad kind, the in vane kind.
As a woman, we have the blessing and a curse of being able to think about 184712875104104819041 million things at once. In 1 second it all flashed through my head.
11 failed IUIS
2 egg retrievals
5 IVFs
202 2inch needle progesterone shots in my butt
an early miscarriage
a d&c
a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat
my water randomly breaking
the loss of my daughter at 18 weeks
a stich to hold my cervix closed
the loss of my son at 24 weeks
another woman having to carry my biological children because my body failed us
another stich to hold my son closed
living an entire pregnancy in fear that it would all happen again
getting the stich removed without pain meds
my body carrying my 4th son to full term and labor
I smile at her. "It's fun."
Because of my God and my husband, I am learning to be full of grace. This lady doesn't know any of what it took for me to be a mom. She just reacted. The sample lady at Costco that says "Your not giving up yet mom right?" referring to the most obnoxious phrase ever "are you going to try for a girl?" while I know we have 1 more precious son on ice (aka 1 more male frozen embryo). Then there is that checker at Walmart that asks if the baby in the Ergo is a girl. She realizes he is my 3rd son (not counting little Jude), and barks out, "my condolences to you mom." I ignore her, acting like I don't hear. She repeats it, a bit louder.
I don't need your condolences.
This little family of mine? It was always supposed to be this way. God always had it planned out that Darren and I would have the life of raising 3 boys to grow up in this crazy world that needs strong men. Men that serve. Men that respect. Men that lead with boldness and fairness and confidence. Men that are kind to their wives and gentle and loving towards their children. While our hearts will always ache for the daughter we had, we embrace our calling. The literal blood. The literal sweat. The literal millions of tears that were shed in bringing in each of these little living souls into this world.
So, to you, Woman who said "oh G*d" to me when I said I had three boys, it's not really that bad.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
You are My Oldest and My Youngest
To my sweet baby Judah,
You have completed me.
In you, you are my oldest and my youngest.
Between science and God and miracles and freezers,
You my love are both to me, my first and my last.
I wasn't even 30 when we did our first IVF.
It resulted in 6 embryos.
We transferred 2 and miscarried.
We transferred 2 more and nothing stuck.
You were in the last remaining 2,
but you remained on ice for 3.5 years
while we tried a new cycle,
hoping for successful results.
While you were frozen in time,
I carried your brother and sister
I named them Jude and Brinly.
But they died due to a tradegy.
When my faith in God's goodness had nearly dried up,
and when I began to doubt Hope would ever win,
we rose from the ashes and did it all again,
but for the safety of all involved,
we placed your twin brothers in anothers womans body.
It was out of pure love on both ends:
I gave up the right and desire to bare my own child,
While she gave up her body to give me the desire.
It worked due to a miracle.
All while you were waiting for us, frozen.
The seasons changed and our hearts healed.
We finally held our living children.
But my heart wasn't done.
I needed you.
I knew you were there still.
I wanted to experience carrying a baby to life, although risky, I took that risk on you.
And you worked due to a miracle.
When I look at you, I see God.
All along, through all the storms,
when I thought He had forsaken us,
you were still there.
You were there when I screamed out to Him
"Why US? What Did We Ever do?"
When I begged
"Let me experience motherhood"
You were there when I cried,
when I shook with fear it would never happen,
when I had to turn my head towards the joy of other pregnancies,
and Hide my ache.
Your brothers healed me,
But you, my love,
You healed my body.
Because of you I got to feel strong baby kicks.
I got to experience contractions
I got to experience leaving a hospital with a baby that I had pushed out.
Redemption.
And all along you were there in that freezer,
You existed and you were formed.
God had a plan all along
that although you were my first embryo ever created
that was made to work,
you were my last.
You are my oldest and my youngest.
Everything in between you became beautiful with time,
and you are the circle that completed it.
The beginning and the end.
You have completed me.
In you, you are my oldest and my youngest.
Between science and God and miracles and freezers,
You my love are both to me, my first and my last.
I wasn't even 30 when we did our first IVF.
It resulted in 6 embryos.
We transferred 2 and miscarried.
We transferred 2 more and nothing stuck.
You were in the last remaining 2,
but you remained on ice for 3.5 years
while we tried a new cycle,
hoping for successful results.
While you were frozen in time,
I carried your brother and sister
I named them Jude and Brinly.
But they died due to a tradegy.
When my faith in God's goodness had nearly dried up,
and when I began to doubt Hope would ever win,
we rose from the ashes and did it all again,
but for the safety of all involved,
we placed your twin brothers in anothers womans body.
It was out of pure love on both ends:
I gave up the right and desire to bare my own child,
While she gave up her body to give me the desire.
It worked due to a miracle.
All while you were waiting for us, frozen.
The seasons changed and our hearts healed.
We finally held our living children.
But my heart wasn't done.
I needed you.
I knew you were there still.
I wanted to experience carrying a baby to life, although risky, I took that risk on you.
And you worked due to a miracle.
When I look at you, I see God.
All along, through all the storms,
when I thought He had forsaken us,
you were still there.
You were there when I screamed out to Him
"Why US? What Did We Ever do?"
When I begged
"Let me experience motherhood"
You were there when I cried,
when I shook with fear it would never happen,
when I had to turn my head towards the joy of other pregnancies,
and Hide my ache.
Your brothers healed me,
But you, my love,
You healed my body.
Because of you I got to feel strong baby kicks.
I got to experience contractions
I got to experience leaving a hospital with a baby that I had pushed out.
Redemption.
And all along you were there in that freezer,
You existed and you were formed.
God had a plan all along
that although you were my first embryo ever created
that was made to work,
you were my last.
You are my oldest and my youngest.
Everything in between you became beautiful with time,
and you are the circle that completed it.
The beginning and the end.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
baby prayers
October 28, 2016
Noah and Beckom are amazing little talkers. Recently they have been extra into "pray to Jesus'
Darren has been having stomach issues. We said "Beckom, can you pray for daddy's tummy."
He immediately says "Dear Jesus, help daddy's tummy feel better. AAAAAAAmen."
They also like to list to Jesus what they are thankful for, they say "thank you for..." here are some of my top favs:
deer
teeth
chapstick
applesauce
curtains
monkey
beds
Aunt Becky, KK, mommy, daddy, Uncle Tom, Uncle Joel, Heidi, Ryker, Hadely.
B has discovered the fine art of escaping from his crib. We make him "promise" to stay in bed.
Last night he randomly said:
"1 more Mickey Mouse? Brush my teeth? I promise, night night time. AAAAAAmen"
Love.
Noah and Beckom are amazing little talkers. Recently they have been extra into "pray to Jesus'
Darren has been having stomach issues. We said "Beckom, can you pray for daddy's tummy."
He immediately says "Dear Jesus, help daddy's tummy feel better. AAAAAAAmen."
They also like to list to Jesus what they are thankful for, they say "thank you for..." here are some of my top favs:
deer
teeth
chapstick
applesauce
curtains
monkey
beds
Aunt Becky, KK, mommy, daddy, Uncle Tom, Uncle Joel, Heidi, Ryker, Hadely.
B has discovered the fine art of escaping from his crib. We make him "promise" to stay in bed.
Last night he randomly said:
"1 more Mickey Mouse? Brush my teeth? I promise, night night time. AAAAAAmen"
Love.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Mama Slide and Donald Trump
July 30, 2016
The little boys are doing so many things and saying so many things each day. It's amazing!
We have been staying busy this summer. Their bff Ollie came over last week and swam in their cool sprinkler pool, they got to visit nana on the farm, and Friday night got to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpas.
Some recent highlights:
Beckom contineus to tells Noah "not for babies." A phrase we use for things they can't touch...but B will say it as he is playing with it.
Darren and I have a board game from 2003ish of Donald Trump. It's super fun although we haven't played it in years. The boys said it and one of them said "Daddy." I told them, "no, that's Donald Trump." For some reason it stuck in both of their little brains like glue. They yell Donald Trump when they see the box (a trick I like to show my friends). Beckom sings a self written song about the Donald. I'm trying to get them to use it like a bad word. They drop their food "Donald Trump!" They poop their diaper "Donald Trump" and it's semi catching on. The funny thing is we are Republicans and will vote for the guy, but I still think its hilarious that my 1 years olds are obsessed. Noah will even come up to me when I'm on my phone and say "See Donald Trump"
The boys enjoy parks and recently Noah was sitting on my leg, got a huge smile and said "mama slide" and then slid down. He does it all the time. He gets this lovey dovey glow in his eye and uses my leg as a slide and always says "mama slide." For some reason I think this is the cutest thing ever.
Noah will also randomly say "mama hand" because he wants to hold my hand. Never stop baby boy.
Today Noey and B were playing and we noticed they were holding hands while running through the house. Heart officially melted.
The boys are turning into best friends that play together, laugh together, wrestle. They are also turning into stereotypical siblings where they tease, fight, and steal toys. The summer has been so fun being with them!
The little boys are doing so many things and saying so many things each day. It's amazing!
We have been staying busy this summer. Their bff Ollie came over last week and swam in their cool sprinkler pool, they got to visit nana on the farm, and Friday night got to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpas.
Some recent highlights:
Beckom contineus to tells Noah "not for babies." A phrase we use for things they can't touch...but B will say it as he is playing with it.
Darren and I have a board game from 2003ish of Donald Trump. It's super fun although we haven't played it in years. The boys said it and one of them said "Daddy." I told them, "no, that's Donald Trump." For some reason it stuck in both of their little brains like glue. They yell Donald Trump when they see the box (a trick I like to show my friends). Beckom sings a self written song about the Donald. I'm trying to get them to use it like a bad word. They drop their food "Donald Trump!" They poop their diaper "Donald Trump" and it's semi catching on. The funny thing is we are Republicans and will vote for the guy, but I still think its hilarious that my 1 years olds are obsessed. Noah will even come up to me when I'm on my phone and say "See Donald Trump"
The boys enjoy parks and recently Noah was sitting on my leg, got a huge smile and said "mama slide" and then slid down. He does it all the time. He gets this lovey dovey glow in his eye and uses my leg as a slide and always says "mama slide." For some reason I think this is the cutest thing ever.
Noah will also randomly say "mama hand" because he wants to hold my hand. Never stop baby boy.
Today Noey and B were playing and we noticed they were holding hands while running through the house. Heart officially melted.
The boys are turning into best friends that play together, laugh together, wrestle. They are also turning into stereotypical siblings where they tease, fight, and steal toys. The summer has been so fun being with them!
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
What did you say?
July 11, 2016
The boys are obviously getting older and we are impressed with their speech development each day. I wanted to document some of their recent funny phrases. They will be 20 months old in a couple days.
On Sunday Noah was playing with the remote and Beckom said:
"No, no, not for babies!"
Later that day he was being a little naughty and my brother said, "Beckom, do you love Jesus?" Beckom stared at Robby for 10 seconds and then said "I love Jesus."
Beckom was eating sidewalk chalk and I said "B, give that mommy, you can't eat it." He yelled "no!" and ran away and fell down our little hill. When I got to him I took it and he said "let go!" (no clue where my sweet angel learned this).
On the 4th of July I couldn't find Noah and Beckom overheard so he ran to the porch and yelled "Nono , come back!!"
Yesterday on the way to the park when the sun got in his eyes (he HATES this) he yelled, "No no, close your eyes! Close your eyes nono!
Noah can't talk as well but is starting to get there. He is OBSESSED with spending his day identifying who belongs to what:
Daddy's remote
Mama's car
Mama's ater (water)
He just started going through an aggressive fake laugh phrase
When I told my mom the "nono, not for babies" remote story about B, Noey was listening. Noah gets a huge smile and starts saying "not, babies, not babies." He REALLY is starting to try to be funny
The boys are obviously getting older and we are impressed with their speech development each day. I wanted to document some of their recent funny phrases. They will be 20 months old in a couple days.
On Sunday Noah was playing with the remote and Beckom said:
"No, no, not for babies!"
Later that day he was being a little naughty and my brother said, "Beckom, do you love Jesus?" Beckom stared at Robby for 10 seconds and then said "I love Jesus."
Beckom was eating sidewalk chalk and I said "B, give that mommy, you can't eat it." He yelled "no!" and ran away and fell down our little hill. When I got to him I took it and he said "let go!" (no clue where my sweet angel learned this).
On the 4th of July I couldn't find Noah and Beckom overheard so he ran to the porch and yelled "Nono , come back!!"
Yesterday on the way to the park when the sun got in his eyes (he HATES this) he yelled, "No no, close your eyes! Close your eyes nono!
Noah can't talk as well but is starting to get there. He is OBSESSED with spending his day identifying who belongs to what:
Daddy's remote
Mama's car
Mama's ater (water)
He just started going through an aggressive fake laugh phrase
When I told my mom the "nono, not for babies" remote story about B, Noey was listening. Noah gets a huge smile and starts saying "not, babies, not babies." He REALLY is starting to try to be funny
Sunday, June 19, 2016
19 months
It would be an understatement to say that it is VERY HARD to keep in account a month to month of twins while working full time. I have never been more fulfilled, never more happier, and never more careful of what I use my 1 or 2 hours of "alone time" a day. I'm sad I haven't accounted more of their milestones but A. Better late than never and B. lets' be honest, they are boys. I don't know if they will really hold a grudge if I don't hand over a perfectly scrapbooked baby book with real locks of hair and how many teeth they had.
Noah and Beckom are 19 months and 4 days old today and they are hilarious. Beckom can say a million things. Here are some of my favorites
I want that
It's ok ____(fill it blank with name/object) as he rubs their head
bite!
drink of water!
poop
No
Happy Birthday (he can sing about 80% of it)
shoot
bummer
ham
I'm sorry
I'll obey
Love you
all done
Bye Bye
hello
night night
monkey
kitty
car
truck
honk honk
happy day!
I sad
Nono's crying
thank you
I fall
bandaide
look it ___ (daddy, nono, etc)
Noah doesn't talk as much but he says a lot too
All done
more
Me me (his request for his favorite worship song, Jesus loves the little one's like me me me)
phone
coffee
pizza
that
kitty
truck
book
Daniel (tiger)
At their 18 month check up B was in the 70% for height 32 inch and Noah 31.5 inches was in the 50%
They are still champion sleepers. They basically sleep 8 to 8 at night and take a 2 hour nap from 1-3
They love many different foods but their staples include all kinds of fruit, smoothies, keifer, oatmeal, toast, waffles, ham, odwalla bars, cherrios and grahm crackers.
Hobbies:
Noah LOVES to jump on beds, he gets obsessed with an "object of the day" which have included: nioxin, toothpaste, chapstick, massage ball, coffee cups. He loves to feed the kitty.
He sobs at bedtime but stops after a few minutes. He loves music. He is semi interested in coloring.
Both boys love to play outside/play in water.
Both boys will watch entire episode of Daniel Tiger and Mickey Mouse Club house
Both boys hate the church nursery but love to raise their hands during worship <3
Beckom is hard worker and likes to help "clean up" with the broom or wiping the floor. He loves to move rocks and barkdust. He make-believes by feeding his monkey, telling his monkey to "look" and putting him in his jumper. If noah is crying he says 'it's ok nono, here you go" and gives him a toy. He obeys. He can make a funny face on demand. He loves to dance and is almost always happy.
Noah and Beckom are 19 months and 4 days old today and they are hilarious. Beckom can say a million things. Here are some of my favorites
I want that
It's ok ____(fill it blank with name/object) as he rubs their head
bite!
drink of water!
poop
No
Happy Birthday (he can sing about 80% of it)
shoot
bummer
ham
I'm sorry
I'll obey
Love you
all done
Bye Bye
hello
night night
monkey
kitty
car
truck
honk honk
happy day!
I sad
Nono's crying
thank you
I fall
bandaide
look it ___ (daddy, nono, etc)
Noah doesn't talk as much but he says a lot too
All done
more
Me me (his request for his favorite worship song, Jesus loves the little one's like me me me)
phone
coffee
pizza
that
kitty
truck
book
Daniel (tiger)
At their 18 month check up B was in the 70% for height 32 inch and Noah 31.5 inches was in the 50%
They are still champion sleepers. They basically sleep 8 to 8 at night and take a 2 hour nap from 1-3
They love many different foods but their staples include all kinds of fruit, smoothies, keifer, oatmeal, toast, waffles, ham, odwalla bars, cherrios and grahm crackers.
Hobbies:
Noah LOVES to jump on beds, he gets obsessed with an "object of the day" which have included: nioxin, toothpaste, chapstick, massage ball, coffee cups. He loves to feed the kitty.
He sobs at bedtime but stops after a few minutes. He loves music. He is semi interested in coloring.
Both boys love to play outside/play in water.
Both boys will watch entire episode of Daniel Tiger and Mickey Mouse Club house
Both boys hate the church nursery but love to raise their hands during worship <3
Beckom is hard worker and likes to help "clean up" with the broom or wiping the floor. He loves to move rocks and barkdust. He make-believes by feeding his monkey, telling his monkey to "look" and putting him in his jumper. If noah is crying he says 'it's ok nono, here you go" and gives him a toy. He obeys. He can make a funny face on demand. He loves to dance and is almost always happy.
Monday, October 5, 2015
9/10 months
October 5, 2015
boys are 10.5 months
August 30, 2015
Eating habits: more and more interest in food, less and less interest in bottle.
6oz bottle upon waking up around 7, breakfast at 8:30 (fruits, oatmeal, cherrios), bottle at 10:30, bottle at 1:30, lunch at 2 (vegies, yogurt, toast, waffles), dinner at 5 (trying to transition to eating what we eat for dinner-they are really into apple sausage), bottle 6oz before bed
Sleeping habits: Pretty similar as last couple months. Wake up around 7:30 or 8, nap at 11:00-12:30ish, and 2nd name around 3:30-4:30. They are starting to lose interest in the 2nd nap so that one is hit and miss, especially for noah.
Clothes size: 9-12, Carter's 18 month is too small in certain outfits and perfect in others
Mom's favorite outfit: Ninja Turtle Matching Pajamas, skinny jeans with "Best Kid Ever" H&M sweater slouchy beanie with Tom shoes <3
Weight/Height: Beckom had to go to urgent car for a fever of 103 (he had an ear infection) and was 21.5ish.
Special tricks: Crawling great. Beckom has stood on his own for a max of 45 seconds but neither do it regularly. Beckom can walk with a lion walker/pusher and Noah just started doing that. Beckom can say "uh oh" kind of. Both can clap and praise the Lord (raise up hands).
Teeth: Beckom has full bottom 2 and working on top 2
Noey finally sprouted some bottom 2 teeth but nothing else yet
Likes: toys, REMOTES, banging on things, opening cupboards, playing outside; Noey still loves urgo/snuggle times with mommy
Dislikes: still anti diaper changes (they act like I'm holding them back from the important job of moving around and playing), they don't seem to be fans of peas
Interesting facts:
Boys are really starting to interact, follow each other around and wrestle.
Words:
Beckom: kind of= "all done" "oh uh" and will make mama, dada, and "night night" sounds
Noah- the first part of uh oh (so uh), lots of complaints via fussing!
boys are 10.5 months
August 30, 2015
Eating habits: more and more interest in food, less and less interest in bottle.
6oz bottle upon waking up around 7, breakfast at 8:30 (fruits, oatmeal, cherrios), bottle at 10:30, bottle at 1:30, lunch at 2 (vegies, yogurt, toast, waffles), dinner at 5 (trying to transition to eating what we eat for dinner-they are really into apple sausage), bottle 6oz before bed
Sleeping habits: Pretty similar as last couple months. Wake up around 7:30 or 8, nap at 11:00-12:30ish, and 2nd name around 3:30-4:30. They are starting to lose interest in the 2nd nap so that one is hit and miss, especially for noah.
Clothes size: 9-12, Carter's 18 month is too small in certain outfits and perfect in others
Mom's favorite outfit: Ninja Turtle Matching Pajamas, skinny jeans with "Best Kid Ever" H&M sweater slouchy beanie with Tom shoes <3
Weight/Height: Beckom had to go to urgent car for a fever of 103 (he had an ear infection) and was 21.5ish.
Special tricks: Crawling great. Beckom has stood on his own for a max of 45 seconds but neither do it regularly. Beckom can walk with a lion walker/pusher and Noah just started doing that. Beckom can say "uh oh" kind of. Both can clap and praise the Lord (raise up hands).
Teeth: Beckom has full bottom 2 and working on top 2
Noey finally sprouted some bottom 2 teeth but nothing else yet
Likes: toys, REMOTES, banging on things, opening cupboards, playing outside; Noey still loves urgo/snuggle times with mommy
Dislikes: still anti diaper changes (they act like I'm holding them back from the important job of moving around and playing), they don't seem to be fans of peas
Interesting facts:
Boys are really starting to interact, follow each other around and wrestle.
Words:
Beckom: kind of= "all done" "oh uh" and will make mama, dada, and "night night" sounds
Noah- the first part of uh oh (so uh), lots of complaints via fussing!
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